To You and Me

I can see my 5 year old self in my children.

Full of energy.

Clumsy.

Strong-willed.

Curious.

Wild child.

At this very moment,

I can also see in your eyes why you don’t have the patience for me back then.

It wasn’t just about who I was as a little girl,

it was also about the kind of life you had as a mom.

It was heavy and rough. It was unloving.

And my heart feels for you, deeply.

I truly understand your actions in the past.

I actually find you brave for choosing distance between yourself and your young children to save your sanity.

That was probably the hardest decision you ever made.

I look up to you, for saving a little for yourself.

For choosing to fight your inner battles.

For plowing through life’s toughest moments away from home.

And now that I have little children of my own,

energetic-clumsy-strong-willed-curious-and-wild-mini-versions-of-me

Your piercing stares whenever they’re loud or having big emotions shouldn’t make my heart ache.

Your mood swings should be acceptable.

Your impatience, bearable.

And yet.. here I am, close to bawling my eyes out in silence while I sit in front of you.

It’s as if you’re looking at me and not your grandchildren.

I can see why you didn’t like me back then.

I was too much to handle while your cup was empty.

I was that unlikable child because of nonstop fiddling and moving and talking when you couldn’t even get to breathe a little bit of air.

I didn’t “behave” when I was expected to when your patience battery was draining.

I didn’t listen when I was yelled at when you only wanted to be heard.

I was irritating to be around with when you only wanted to be alone.

I lived in my own world. You lived in your head.

Back then,

I was being a kid.

You were being a parent.